Rethinking successful parenting

Beyond Obedience and Perfection

Many of us hold a narrow view of what “successful” parenting looks like, often shaped by how we were parented ourselves. As a collaborative therapist, I encourage you, my fellow co-collaborators, to approach this topic with gentle curiosity and without judgment or shame. As you reflect on your own parenting journey, consider the following questions:

What does successful parenting truly mean?
Is “good parenting” simply about raising obedient children?
Does it mean having kids with straight A’s and straight teeth?
Are the ultimate goals of parenting merely to deliver our children safely into adulthood so they can start their “real lives”?

Or could successful parenting be about more than just the day-to-day tasks? Could it be about raising children who can navigate imperfection, ambiguity, and heartache? What would it look like if, as parents, we helped our children learn how to fail? How might things have been different for us as children if our parents had acknowledged our struggles and frustrations, offering support rather than pointing out our mistakes or punishing us for falling short?

Let’s explore this with a simple scenario:

Rethinking Responses to Failure

Imagine you repeatedly tell your 6-year-old not to run with their ice cream cone because they might drop it. You warn them multiple times, but they continue to run—until, eventually, the ice cream tips over and spills onto the sidewalk. The child bursts into tears.

A common response might be a matter-of-fact, “That’s what happens when you run with your ice cream cone.” While this response is natural, it carries an implicit message: “It’s your fault. You made a mistake, and you don’t get to be upset about it.” This feedback is not wrong—children do need to learn about consequences—but the underlying tone can unintentionally reinforce a mindset of self-blame. It’s not hard to see how, as adults, we might internalize this message, focusing only on our failures and creating patterns that withhold grace from ourselves when things go wrong.

But what if we shifted the conversation? What if we instead acknowledged the child’s feelings and the disappointment of the moment? A compassionate, attuned response might sound something like this:

“Oh no! You lost your ice cream! That’s so sad. I’m sorry you lost it—I know you were really excited to eat it. I would be sad too if I spilled mine.”

The Power of Empathy in Parenting

Offering empathy in moments like this doesn’t mean rescuing the child by simply replacing the ice cream or solving the problem for them. It’s not about coddling or “softening” the lesson. The natural consequence—the spilled ice cream, the missed bus, the forgotten homework, the lost job—has already happened, and it’s a real disappointment. Acknowledging your child’s emotional experience helps them process the moment rather than just learning the rule.

If the child asks for another ice cream, a gentle boundary might be set with:
“No, we just get one ice cream as a treat. That’s part of what makes it special. How can I help you hold on to it better next time? Would it be helpful if I remind you not to run, or is there something else we could try?”

A New Approach: Building Connection and Trust

This shift in response attunes you to your child’s feelings, creates a dialogue about what went wrong, and opens the door for them to come up with potential solutions. It also fosters an atmosphere of trust, where your child feels comfortable coming to you with mistakes, rather than hiding them in fear of judgment or punishment. It positions you as an ally, someone they can rely on for guidance and understanding—rather than someone from whom they must hide their missteps.

When we approach parenting with empathy, compassion, and curiosity—rather than simply aiming for compliance or perfection—we allow our children the space to grow, fail, and learn with confidence.